PeteBeat !
Dying is easy ... Comedy's HardTuesday, April 19, 2005
FLYING DUTCHPERSON
Although I have never actually seen a ghost ship, I did see a ghost paddleboat once. Frankly, it was not that scary.
SEND IN THE CLONES
I thought having a clone would be great, but it has caused me nothing but grief! At first it was great not having to go to work, but then he started putting mousse in his hair and working out at a gym. Then he hooked up with Cathy from Accounting ... she never used to give me the time of day. Now I need a kidney transplant, and he's having second thoughts! If you ask me, clones are not worth the trouble.
LOVE LIFE LESSONS
Remember, with just a little creativity, any regular toy can become a sex toy. I'm partial to handpuppets, myself.
Although I have never actually seen a ghost ship, I did see a ghost paddleboat once. Frankly, it was not that scary.
SEND IN THE CLONES
I thought having a clone would be great, but it has caused me nothing but grief! At first it was great not having to go to work, but then he started putting mousse in his hair and working out at a gym. Then he hooked up with Cathy from Accounting ... she never used to give me the time of day. Now I need a kidney transplant, and he's having second thoughts! If you ask me, clones are not worth the trouble.
LOVE LIFE LESSONS
Remember, with just a little creativity, any regular toy can become a sex toy. I'm partial to handpuppets, myself.
Monday, April 18, 2005
PETEBEAT'S FIRST EVER MAILBAG
Jamie Drake from Minnesota writes:
Are the letters you print from your readers real?
Nope.
Pam Kirbo writes:
What about the letter from Jamie Drake of Minnesota? That letter's real, isn't it?
Nope.
Phil Phillips writes:
Your blog is stupid. Why don't you post links to other blogs?
Because PeteBeat is the only blog worth reading.
Phil Phillips writes again:
You're just ripping off the Onion!
No, actually both the Onion and I are ripping off old National Lampoons. The Onion has figured out a way to make money at it.
Dear Editor,
Microsoft Morse Code spell check does not find "dot dot dash dot, dot dot dash, dash dot dash dot,dash dot dash" in its dictionary. Would you like to add it as an entry?
Yes.
Dear Editor,
Oops! I did it again.
Sincerely,
Brittany Spears' unhousetrained Rottweiler.
Jamie Drake from Minnesota writes:
Are the letters you print from your readers real?
Nope.
Pam Kirbo writes:
What about the letter from Jamie Drake of Minnesota? That letter's real, isn't it?
Nope.
Phil Phillips writes:
Your blog is stupid. Why don't you post links to other blogs?
Because PeteBeat is the only blog worth reading.
Phil Phillips writes again:
You're just ripping off the Onion!
No, actually both the Onion and I are ripping off old National Lampoons. The Onion has figured out a way to make money at it.
Dear Editor,
Microsoft Morse Code spell check does not find "dot dot dash dot, dot dot dash, dash dot dash dot,dash dot dash" in its dictionary. Would you like to add it as an entry?
Yes.
Dear Editor,
Oops! I did it again.
Sincerely,
Brittany Spears' unhousetrained Rottweiler.
Friday, April 15, 2005
JUST ASKING
Which major Hollywood star is actually a giant marionette? Who was a happily married producer stuffing into car trunk on Tuesday night? And why was a rock star and his supermodel girlfriend moonlighting at a meat packing plant? It beats me.
A FINE WHINE
Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin writes:
"Why don't you put any pictures in your blog? It's boring."
Well, Mike, I'm a writer. I prefer painting pictures with words. For example: "To call him ugly would have been an insult to all other ugly people, for the bile brewed from his hate had turned him into a shriveled, ghoulish husk." I call this picture "Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin."
Tongue Twister
Try saying "Door handle" three times fast. Too easy? OK, try saying it 10,000 times. Not as easy as you thought, huh?
Which major Hollywood star is actually a giant marionette? Who was a happily married producer stuffing into car trunk on Tuesday night? And why was a rock star and his supermodel girlfriend moonlighting at a meat packing plant? It beats me.
A FINE WHINE
Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin writes:
"Why don't you put any pictures in your blog? It's boring."
Well, Mike, I'm a writer. I prefer painting pictures with words. For example: "To call him ugly would have been an insult to all other ugly people, for the bile brewed from his hate had turned him into a shriveled, ghoulish husk." I call this picture "Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin."
Tongue Twister
Try saying "Door handle" three times fast. Too easy? OK, try saying it 10,000 times. Not as easy as you thought, huh?
Thursday, April 14, 2005
BRAINS VS. BRAWN
This much-hyped battle was supposed to be a close match, but that certainly was not the case last night. While Brains paused to plan a strategic assault, Brawn hammered him three times in rapid succession. Reeling backward, Brains tried to offer a clever bon mot to confuse his opponent, but his words were so slurred they were incomprehensible. A final right hook by Brawn and the fight was over. Brains was on the floor.
AT THE NEWS STAND
Cosmopolitan has "10 Ways to Please Your Man". I won't give away number one, but here's a hint: it begins with "blow" and ends with "job." Curiously, the same list appears in both Men's Health and National Review.
MAKING THE SCENE
PeteBeat's spies made the rounds this week. Spy #1 reports: "At Appleby's I saw this girl that I'm pretty sure was in my Psych class last semester. Then at the Kangaroo I saw my high school gym teacher. He didn't recognize me, though." Spy #2 adds "I didn't really notice anybody. I was pretty wasted."
Pete is starting to think PeteBeat needs better spies.
This much-hyped battle was supposed to be a close match, but that certainly was not the case last night. While Brains paused to plan a strategic assault, Brawn hammered him three times in rapid succession. Reeling backward, Brains tried to offer a clever bon mot to confuse his opponent, but his words were so slurred they were incomprehensible. A final right hook by Brawn and the fight was over. Brains was on the floor.
AT THE NEWS STAND
Cosmopolitan has "10 Ways to Please Your Man". I won't give away number one, but here's a hint: it begins with "blow" and ends with "job." Curiously, the same list appears in both Men's Health and National Review.
MAKING THE SCENE
PeteBeat's spies made the rounds this week. Spy #1 reports: "At Appleby's I saw this girl that I'm pretty sure was in my Psych class last semester. Then at the Kangaroo I saw my high school gym teacher. He didn't recognize me, though." Spy #2 adds "I didn't really notice anybody. I was pretty wasted."
Pete is starting to think PeteBeat needs better spies.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
A LITTLE ADVENTURE
When I saw a leprechaun in the woods the other day, I knew exactly what to do. I snatched him up and shook him and told him to take me to his pot of gold. So I was pretty disappointed when he turned out to be a porcupine, not a leprechaun. Ouch!
(I bet you thought I was going to say "midget" instead of "porcupine", didn't you? You were almost right.)
QUOTABLE
"None of my clients wants to be in the 'quotable' section of a website that nobody reads. Please don't call here again."
- Publicist Sidney Gould
LIST OF FIVE
Most Popular Internal Organs:
1. Heart
2. Kidney
3. Spleen
4. Pancreas
5. Other kidney.
Also receiving votes: anything except liver. Yuck!
AAARGH!
I can't get the "Friends" theme out of my head! Maybe if I sing it:
I'll be there for youuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
I'll be there for youuuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
Dang! "Friends" is gone, but now it's "Pachelbel's Canon in D." I hate it when this happens.
When I saw a leprechaun in the woods the other day, I knew exactly what to do. I snatched him up and shook him and told him to take me to his pot of gold. So I was pretty disappointed when he turned out to be a porcupine, not a leprechaun. Ouch!
(I bet you thought I was going to say "midget" instead of "porcupine", didn't you? You were almost right.)
QUOTABLE
"None of my clients wants to be in the 'quotable' section of a website that nobody reads. Please don't call here again."
- Publicist Sidney Gould
LIST OF FIVE
Most Popular Internal Organs:
1. Heart
2. Kidney
3. Spleen
4. Pancreas
5. Other kidney.
Also receiving votes: anything except liver. Yuck!
AAARGH!
I can't get the "Friends" theme out of my head! Maybe if I sing it:
I'll be there for youuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
I'll be there for youuuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
Dang! "Friends" is gone, but now it's "Pachelbel's Canon in D." I hate it when this happens.
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